he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
