my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
