I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
