That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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