new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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