good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
