took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
