My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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