Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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