I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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