I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
