the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
