Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
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I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
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Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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