Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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