I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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