we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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