some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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