Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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