I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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