You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
