you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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