if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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