Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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