i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
