You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
