I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
