I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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