you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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