it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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