his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
