I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
