Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
