I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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