You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
