you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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