My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
