Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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