Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
