i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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