Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
