So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
