fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
