I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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