you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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