If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
