Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
