Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
