I faked an abortion last night.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
