Your dad touched me again.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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