Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
