he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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