The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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