You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.