The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
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I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
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What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment