During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The Olympian is in my bed
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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