well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
